It's possible to feel conflicting emotions all at once - and yes, it is OK to feel happy while simultaneously grieving, points out Pathways Home Health and Hospice. It can be confusing sorting through all those emotions. Instead of pushing aside those difficult moments of grief, we should be open to both joy and pain at the same time. It’s important to first face the complexity of the situation. Identify those bitter-sweet emotions of losing a cherished loved one while at the same time appreciating the value of life. These opposing feelings are a way to remind ourselves that while our loved one has passed, we are very much alive and must carry on. Sharing all the wonderful memories helps to paint a picture of life with our loved one, and grow our connection with family and friends.
Saturday 9/4 - I slept through the night, never waking until 4:30, first time in years. I quickly took my thyroid pill which I usually take around 2am.
Later in the morning, I broke down in tears when I read a sad Facebook post by my little sister Jean who was living with and caring for Mama the last two years. (Jean and I with Mom three months ago) My heart was hurting for Jean's broken heart. We all loved Mom and will miss her very much, especially Jean, and have been sharing stories and remembering fun and funny times with her.
Mom always brought all us crazy kids and grand-kids together for bi-annual family gatherings. She took the grandchildren on fun adventures for a week each, almost every summer. This photo was taken of Britney and I with Mom on a five day garbage barge educational trip down the Mississippi.
Mama dearly loved each of us six kids, her twelve grandchildren, and her two great granddaughters. Look at the joy on Mom's face when meeting her second Great Granddaughter for the first time, three months ago.
Full of spunk, independence, and determination.
She was a wonderful and thoughtful woman.
Had a great sense of humor. She was delightful!
Took her grandchildren on those adventure trips.
Her stubbornness and stiff upper lip were admirable. She was a solid, immovable, unwavering, unchanging, rock in this era of uncertainty.
I have wonderful memories of your mom staying at your house! She was a true neighborhood mom, always letting us have a good time when we came over.
She had a fulfilling life and was loved deeply. You were all blessed to have such a good mom and grandmother.
Patty had cleaned everything out of this shed the day before, so she and Karen disinfected and hosed it out and then got to work on this little room on the back side of it.
Maggie thought it was great fun to explore all the new spaces and interesting smells as things were pulled out of the shed.
We sorted through stuff, making a trash pile, burn pile, keep pile, and recycle pile. We loaded things into this wagon and Patty drove stuff to their various places. I got stung by two wasps again, but this time did not have a bad reaction, but we do need to get some kind of a first aid kit out at the ranch house.
We had started the burn pile and I tended it while also working in the barn with the wood pallets to figure out how to make a shavings storage bin. (The plastic by the fire was not burnt, just used for hauling.)
I really wasn't much help throughout the day because I felt spent (from crying and the sense of loss). It was good to get my mind off of Mom, but I couldn't make decisions so just kind of muddled around.
Next the girls started raking leaves out from between the cinder block wall and behind the
garden shed. There were lots of old dead logs back there also.
Patty
kept bringing loads down to me, and I continued to tend the fire. Maggie made lots of trips between the house and barn (probably around 200 yards down the drive) to keep tabs on all of us. Mom loved Maggie and would have gotten a kick out of watching the dog enjoy life on the ranch.
We did take a lunch break and enjoy corned beef sandwiches Karen had brought. And there were a few water breaks also.
Maggie was getting hot and tired from all her running, and needed a drink, so I decided to transport her in the UTV. She was not having it and I let her bale out before going up to the house. She ran along side the UTV as she had been doing.
I stopped to enjoy an interesting and pretty mold growing on an old fence board down by the barn, as Mom would have done.
I brought Maggie home in time for her 6pm dinner, fed the cats, showered off the grunge and smokey smell, and had leftovers for dinner. I went to bed after reading all the wonderful condolences and comments about Mom and I cried some more.
Sunday 9/5 - It was a day of rest mostly. I went out to the ranch mid-morning to check on the fire. When I had started down the drive to the barnyard, a
great blue heron flew up from around our little pond. I took it as a
sign that Mom was with me in spirit. The fire still had some hot coals, so I raked what was left of the huge fence posts together in addition to leaves that were too far away to have caught fire. And it started to smolder.
I was at Wildwood by noon and took Amiga for a little ride (bareback) to see how she felt. I did not notice any lameness issues. I only had her walk and gait a little bit. I also did a lot of sitting while letting her chomp on grass. I even talked with Jean on the phone for quit awhile, giving Amiga a long grazing session.
I
was home, showered, and in my PJ's by 3:45. I figured it was 8:00
somewhere. LOL When I had spoken with Tony about our feral cat at the
pool, I also told her about the stray cat (I assume female) I have here at our
house. She asked about age and gender and then mentioned if it was an
older, un-spayed female, quite likely she would be pregnant. Tonight at
feeding time, when I felt the cat's belly, it was quite firm, but not
bulging. However her nipples seemed rather hard or prominent.
Oh no! Now I have a whole new set of concerns.
I was going to call her Dotty because of all the grey spots, but that didn't really fit and wasn't working for me. I love the spot on the top of her head, which leaves the ends of her ears white. I decided Gypsy would be a good name because she is a wanderer and doesn't seem to have a permanent home.
Monday 9/6 - When I go to bed at 8pm, I am ready to get up by 3am, which I did. Gypsy left me a dead mouse in the grass by the sidewalk to the back door. These two photos show the difference in her coloring from one side to the other.
From a distance, she looks like a mostly white cat when she is going in one direction, and she looks like a mostly gray cat when headed the other way. 
From the front and when she is lying on her back exposing her belly (which she rarely does), she looks like an all white cat.
I was in my workout clothes and off to the gym at 8:30. Well, they were closed for the holiday. I had forgotten about that. At least I remembered not to set the trash out for our usual Monday pick up. I had a long list of supplies needed for the ranch house, so went to Walmart.
I figured scurrying up and down the isles was a form of workout. But it was more a workout in exercising patience. I get so aggravated with slow shoppers or ones who park their shopping cart right in the middle of the isle, blocking traffic in both directions.
Once home with the car unloaded, I stowed away what stayed here and repacked bags to go to the ranch. I loaded them and the dog into my car and headed to the country. I did have to back track before I got a mile from home to grab a leaf rake and our last full can of gasoline.
We stowed stuff away, looked at a few more other little projects, and then went out to work. I had intended to help rake leaves from the area between the shed and wall, but Patty already had it done.
We cleaned off the shelves in the unattached garage and then took a load of stuff down to the barn and machine shed. Patty got the burn pile going. I couldn't do any more with the pallets in the barn for wood shaving storage because a cat bed shelf was in the way.
So I went back up to the house to collect sticks and other burnable debris and took it back down to Patty who was tending the fire.
Patty left before I did, but I was close behind her after collecting all the trash from the cans in the house, barn, and machine shed. My trash men may wonder why I have two extra bags this week.
The Mirror Lake Blast had a so/so band playing, so I was debating staying home. (It was the third band that had been booked, after the first two had cancelled.) But it was the last Blast of the year and Yvonne had inquired if I was going, so I went. We ended up having a pretty good time eating popcorn and pizza, drinking beer (or wine), and talking and dancing.
It felt good to climb into bed at 10:00.
During my three dog walks and taking out the trash, I called for but never saw Gypsy. I left for work (subbing for MJ) feeling a little worried.
We were pretty busy at the pool because this was to be one of the hotter days this week.
When I got home from the pool, Gypsy greeted me. I was so glad to see her. I went to put food in her bowl and discovered a large, dead chipmunk lying by it.
I was too tired to be productive, so read (only made it for two pages) before I fell asleep on the porch swing.
Patty was at the ranch working and I joined her down by the fire pit where she was pulling metal from the ashes using a magnet she had just bought. Joe soon arrived, having just returned from his five day trip.
Joe and I were meeting to plan how we were going to build the wood fence. We had one 130° angle that the fence boards would be meeting on the inside of, so I wasn't sure how we were going to nail them up. I walked around the barn area to see how the existing fences handled corners and turns, and saw that there were several options.
From a distance, all of the fencing looked uniform, so we decided it didn't really matter how we would nail up the boards at the 'corner' we had.
While looking at corner posts, I discovered this debris. It was about 2" long. I wondered if it was an owl pellet. Mama would have said "open it up and see what's inside."
Since Joe had brought the lost piece of the bed frame back from Courtney's, we finished putting it together. It was a one man, two woman job. Thankfully Patty was there (along with her trusty drill) to help us.
We put the new box springs and mattress on the frame and were done for the day. The mattress needs 72 hours to fully regain its original shape.
Joe took Maggie home with him and I stopped in at the barn to check on my horse.
Amiga was laying in her stall, resting and chomping on hay, so I decided not to disturb her, and went on home.
I was too tired and it was too late to fix a dinner, so I had popcorn here at my computer.
Wednesday 9/8 - Again I was up way too early, after only five hours of sleep. There was just too much on my mind.
I always enjoy our Ava up-dates. 
Joe, Patty, and I all converged on the ranch about the same time. I did a few things at the house and noticed that Patty had decorated the mantle some more. 
I also dropped in down at the barn and saw Patty had taken down the large cat bed shelf that was in the way of where the shavings bin is going to go. The other little shelf you see in this photo was a step up to the large shelf. Once we get a barn cat, we will have steps for it, going up to the hay loft where we will have a 'house' and bed for it.
Joe was out in the upper pasture, setting out fence boards, in preparation for our big building project. I think it is funny how I caught myself in the side view mirror of the UTV taking this photo. Maggie, as usual, was keeping an eye on all that was going on.
First we needed to get this end post in. We had tried the auger to make a hole, but immediately hit a concrete footer for the cinder block wall. So Joe had gotten the hardware needed to screw it into the wall, and was doing that while the 'project manager' watched. 
Then we were ready to start putting in posts and screwing in fence boards as we went. We had decided to put in the posts as we went because the boards from the fence we had taken down over a month ago were different lengths. Seen here, the second post and two (under) eight foot boards. The middle board was a (under) sixteen footer and would mark where our next post would need to go.
We continued drilling holes, putting in a post, and screwing up fence boards. We struggled with measuring where to dig the holes, and the auger had a tendency to pull and drill the holes crooked.
We took a break when the Frontier guy came out soon followed by Jack, Mary, and their friend. Also Joe was feeling kind of punky from getting his Covid booster shot the day before. 
Jack pitched in and helped us for a bit. 
Jack and Mary had brought their dog who Maggie loved running around and playing with. They are both about the same size. But between trips to and from the barn and playing with her new friend, Maggie was exhausted by the time our friends left. LOL
Joe was getting too tired (vaccine reaction), it was lunch time, and I had to leave for work in an hour, so we quit a little after noon.
This is all the farther we got. I was not feeling accomplished. Five wood posts in, with 40 to go. But Joe was happy with our progress.
This photo shows the five posts. The top and bottom boards only extend to the forth post. The middle board goes to the fifth post. This is how you stagger the 16 footers.
I got to work and learned that Tony had caught the feral kitten. She will be getting neutered, de-wormed, and all her vaccines. Then if she is appropriate for adoption, will be housed with many others. If not, she will be released back into the wild.
I was feeling sleepy (not getting what I needed the night before) so stayed up and moving during much of my shift. I was able to close 25 minutes early because it cleared out just after 5pm.
It was an 8pm bedtime for me.
I was working my usual morning shift at the pool, having FOMS (Fear Of Missing Something) while Joe, Patty, and Jack were at the ranch putting up more fencing.
Patty kept me posted on their progress, sending all these photos. 
They ended up getting nine posts in, with fence rails attached, in under three hours, when the day before it took us over three hours to get five done. I was impressed and happy to see this good progress, however, I was still feeling great angst with the work left to be done before we brought horses onto the property.
This will be Amiga and Zorro's pasture, with the pond, in front of the neighbor's house (were Terry and Billy currently live while their new house is being built). Our yard and cinder block wall are to the left. The little fenced off area with dead grass Joe had sprayed a while ago is where the gray water exits the house. Improving this drainage is another job on our list.
I went to the ranch right after work. Patty and Maggie were still there. I planned to work on the area in the barn, between a stall and the tack room (seen in this photo from the hayloft). The tack room has the flat roof. Later in the afternoon I moved pallets around trying to fit (like a puzzle) the different sizes into place to make a floor and back wall.
Here are more hayloft photos.
Shortly after Patty left, Joe arrived, while I was up at the house finishing cleaning out the mixture of shavings and Styrofoam packing peanuts from the back side of the garden shed.
I stopped what I was doing and went with him to help drill four more fence post holes. When we ran into difficulties drilling the fifth hole, we quit.
Looking straight up at the cupola. There are lots of gaps where the water does get in. I am not sure if that can be fixed or not. It is important to have air circulation, but we don't want the hay getting wet.
Joe helped me move pallets as we tried to visualize the shavings bin and how best to build it.
This photo is of the three stalls on the other side of the barn isle way.
Out of time, patience, and motivation, we quit for the day. Joe took Maggie home and I went to the barn to give Amiga and Zorro their Prevocox before the vet visit the next morning. 
This last photo gives you a better idea of how the tack room is built into the barn. The 'cat house' will probably go up on top of it's roof.
Joe had dinner ready when I got home; grilled pork chops, green beans, and home grown potatoes.
Friday 9/10 - I had the day off from the pool but a busy morning with helping Joe take the big heavy end tables to the ranch and then load the drywall trash and big pile of recyclable stuff into the back of his SUV before he left for the day. Here he is looking at all the carpenter bee holes I was pointing out.
I had to rush to Wildwood Stables for the vet, who had
arrived earlier than I expected and was also moving through the group of
horses a lot faster than usual.
Actually, Pat ended up holding Amiga and Zorro for me because I was so late. Patty arrived after the shots had been given and was putting our two Pasos back out to pasture when I got there.
I went back to the ranch, with Patty soon to follow. She has been fantastic help out there. She had repaired the damaged closet door, and I helped her hang it. It opens and closes very easily now! She had also made the master bed. I like the funky blanket spread I had purchased for it.
We immediately ran into difficulties with the pre-drilled (dug with auger) holes Joe and I had done the night before. They weren't deep enough but we had hit rock bottom. So the decision was made to put the six foot posts in as far as possible and then saw their tops off at the four foot above ground height.
Jack, Mary, and their friend showed up unexpectedly and gave us a helping hand. Many hands truly make light work. Just as more minds are
better than one. But we all have different ideas on how to solve a
problem or go about doing something.
While Jack and the girls were drilling and screwing up the fence rails, I finished digging the holes as deep as possible. Mary had me pose for this shot. LOL
And in this photo, Jack appears to be thinking hard, which we all were doing at different times, trying to figure out how to get this fence built.
We quite once we got the four posts in and three sections of fence completed. The tractor with the auger was down in the machine shed and we decided it was getting too late to do more. It was almost lunch time.
Check out what we got done (with Jack and Mary's help). 
Also, look at how well the seeded area was doing up at the other end of the pasture.
I finished the afternoon down at the barn working on the bin for the wood shavings, while Patty mowed up around the house. This is all the farther I got, but I now had a vision of how it was all going to come together. Maggie and I headed home at dinner time, tired but happy.
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