Emotionally Tough

This week was emotionally tough for me, probably because I am not very tough emotionally.  Life isn't always warm and fuzzy.  There are times when it is down right cold, harsh, sad, and depressing.  I always try to keep the happy, pleasant thoughts in my mind, so as to ward off the dismal ones.

In current and past times of loss, it seems I tend to reflect on loss that has occurred for me over the years.  It brings up memories of loved ones (Grandpa, Grandma, Dad, Aunt Barbara, Uncle Bob, Herman, and Freda) and causes me to miss them.  It also makes me empathize with those who are still dealing with the loss of a loved one...
Britney's South American Dad - Don Max, Courtney's dear friend - Christi,  Judy and Shirley's husbands (whom I only know through the memories they share), and Marge's husband - Richard who was also a friend of mine.  I can feel their loss as if it were my own, although not to their degree.  The sadness they feel makes me sad for them, and I wish I could do something to ease their pain.

During a time of loss, it reminds us of how uncertain life is, that it could be over for us or a loved one before we know it.  It makes me want to tightly hug everyone I know, and tell them how much I love and appreciate them.  Yet, as we mourn the death of a loved one, we have the promise of life everlasting. "He that believeth in me, though he were dead,
yet shall he live."  Our hope is in God and we should be thankful for the life that God has given to a person who has died.  So celebrate the life.  One study I read said that "recognizing the deceased's life with gratitude provides a tremendous resource to draw on in the months and years that follow."  There is a sense that our loved one has been well remembered.  However, do not shrink from acknowledging the tragedy of death, or grieving the loss of our relationship with the one who has died, or neglect the pain others are experiencing at the same loss.

Jan took this photo of Amiga and I

Saturday my phone was not working, which caused several problems with communication, but at least I could still text.  I was at the barn at 9:30.  Amiga was way out in the pasture, so I got on her and rode her back to the barn with just a halter.  She did very well with my cues.  I think returning to ground work is beginning to pay off.

As we left the barn, Zorro came over to say hi (video).  Amiga and I took the Holly Trail, which was a tad slippery from all the recent rain, and we met up with Jan and Betty.

We had a great ride together (video Jan took).  I kept Amiga at a walk or her gait most of the ride.  At one point I let her canter up a hill with the other two.  I was in front and felt Amiga wanting to go faster, so let her go in a full gallop until we almost got to Marmaduke.  What a thrill.  Then we turned and waited for the other two, as we set up a pretend ambush.  LOL






Amiga slipped a lot more coming down the steep hill on the way back on Holly Trail.  There is still more work to be done on this section of trail.  But Amiga did a great job.  I rode for almost three hours and then did extra hoof and body care on my sweet horse once back to the barn.

Past photo of Sandy

Deana was tacking up Sandy as I un-tacked Amiga, and we talked about Jean's husband Bob, who was still in the hospital after a surgery three weeks earlier.  Jan had reported, during our ride, that Bob had appeared to make a turn for the best the day before when Jan was there visiting.  Bob had rallied and actually communicated with Jean when brought out of sedation.  We were feeling so hopeful, although he had a long road to recovery.




Once home, I took time for a little R&R as I ate a late lunch.  Monita still has raspy breathing sometimes (video), and I am at the point now where I am sure it is FHV rearing it's ugly face.  Feline herpes virus type 1 is one of the most common causes of upper respiratory infections in cats, according to Healthy Pets.  I need to just give this kitten time to get over it.


I had Joe drop Maggie and I off at Heatherhurst golf course and walked 90 min to get home.  Then I did a little yard work, spreading grass seed where there were bare spots before the rain was supposed to come.

Joe had accepted an invitation to poker, forgetting we had tickets to the play Sleepy Hollow, so Shirley went with me.  I picked her up and first we had dinner at Romos.



Shirley and I then went on to the Play House.  They had their Christmas tree up and decorated with a knitting theme, which made me think of Courtney, so I took a bunch of photos of ornaments to show her.
The play was a Halloween (not Christmas) theme and done very well with the scary sound and light effects.

I was home before Joe, but not by much.  Gaining an hour with the time change, I decided to take advantage of it in the morning, so went to bed at my regular time.

Sunday it did get lighter earlier, but I still prefer to have the light longer in the evening.  Actually, I prefer to have longer (warmer) days year round.

Joe and I skyped with Britney.  It is always so good to see her and hear her voice.  I have mixed feelings about her being so far from home and really wish I could physically be with her more than once or twice a year.









It was All Saints Sunday at church and we remembered the 34 members who have passed away this year.  It brought tears to my eyes when Charlie's candle was lit.  He was an acquaintance from Red's who sang Karaoke all the time.  Unfortunately, when you live in a primarily retirement community, death is nothing unusual.  We old folks don't live forever.

Riding with just a halter and lead rope.

I went to the barn and horsed around, first doing ground work, then leg and seat work in the round pen while riding bareback.  Next I threw a saddle on and then rode to the bean field (that is lush in growth with winter wheat) and worked on speed and direction control with the weaving poles and barrels.  Amiga did great.

The rest of my afternoon (with what daylight I had left) I did some work in the yard.  And it was then I got the call...

...Bob had just passed away.

I came in, got a turkey tenderloin started in the oven, and then while it was baking I watered grass seed, because it hadn't rained yet.  It was dark by 4:30.  After dinner, I put on my reflective vest, and Maggie and I headed out for an hour walk on the neighborhood roads while I contemplated life, and unfortunately death.

Monday I was up too early, so took a twenty minute morning nap on the couch, just as the sun was coming up.
I lifted weights after Ballroom Aerobics and then started transplanting some of my house plants.  I had bought a new one (Mass Cane), at half price in disgruntled condition and put it and another Mass Cane in a larger pot and added this Golden Pothos (also 1/2 price) to the bottom of the pot to keep the cats out.

The finished 'arrangement' seen right and in the house (left).  The cats were quick to check it out and I was even faster to yell at them.

I also added ground cover to this plant (lower right).  It had come from the bottom of the pot my very ugly Norfolk Pine was in.  I had to put a 'fence' around this to keep the cats out.

Shirley and I met at the grocery store to collaborate on shopping for food to take to Jean.

Then Brian picked me up and we headed to Red's for Charlie's celebration of life party.  Joe joined us as soon as he got finished with golf.  There was a huge crowd and we shared in a potluck and karaoke.




Most of the songs Charlie sang, were sung, and other songs about the tragedy of his depression and that he had taken his own life (most of us didn't know because he was always smiling and happy) were sung and talked about as we remembered Charlie.  My eyes kept welling up with tears. 
Once home I went to bed early.

We had gotten oodles of rain overnight and it was still coming down fairly hard at times when I got up Tuesday morning.  I went down to see where the low spots were and make note of where I wanted to fill in the oasis a little more.  I was also checking to see where to modify the drainage ditch (video).  A ton of leaves have washed into the pond = more dredging.



















Joe left for a poker tournament in Indiana and I went to pick up Shirley and deliver our food bags to Jean.  We met her children and their spouses and chatted briefly.  I never know what to say and actually stink at consoling those who are grieving.

Can you see the huge squirrel nest?

After dropping Shirley off at her house, I headed straight in to town to shop.  I even did a little Christmas shopping, including buying me a new Norfolk Pine.  I unloaded everything back home and then set to work transplanting the new pine.  I pitched the old one (on left in lower photo) and put the new one, with new soil, in its pot.

I worked through the time frame that I had planned to go to the gym to workout, and feeling rather melancholy, decided to just sit home with my pets and hangout with them.  I miss many of my special pet friends, especially during times of sorrow, so hold extra tight to the pets I still have.

First thing Wednesday morning I moved the new Norfolk Pine inside.  I had needed to give it time to drain and also figure out where to put it, but now was ready for it.


The large ficus that used to be behind the TV had died so now this pretty tree resides there, although it takes up more room because of its larger foliage. 



The kitties soon took up life in the 'tree' to take a nap.


Once Monita spotted me though, she had to come check me out, walking right over the top of Stevie.  She is such a doofus.







After having rain the past 36 hours (I heard we got over five inches), it was a relief to not have to dodge rain drops, especially while walking the dog.  But it was quite a bit colder (high of 44) and still gloomy (sun never came out) and it misted off and on all day.  I went to Ballroom Aerobics but was then convinced to stay home, inside, and forget about riding, trail work, or yard work.






I made soup for lunch, got a fire going, and contemplated life and death as I started this blog post from the notes I had been making.  I found some posters from the internet to share, and gathered other information.  It helped me to work through my thoughts and emotions again.







Before dark (4:00ish) I walked Maggie for a little exercise and to take care of business.  Each day I had swept leaves off the lower part of our drive so they don't blow into the garage, but the past three days they had been falling non-stop.  There had been golfers on the course, off and on all day, in the mist.  So as Maggie and I came down the 17th fairway, footprints in the wet grass could be seen.

17th tee in distance.

17th green just beyond the pond.

Returning home by way of the golf course, I took this photo.  Look at all the leaves in our back yard.  You can't even see where the mulched areas are.

Saddle Sisters including some husbands.

Shirley picked me up on her way to Legends restaurant, where I had organized a dinner gathering for Chicken Pasta buffet.  In this photo, left to right is - Shirley, Jan, me, Karen, Deana, Charlie, Mike, Don, Cheryl, and Judy.  We enjoyed food, conversation, and being with each other.  We prayed for Jean and her family and thanked God for His many blessings, including time together with friends.

Thursday morning I enjoyed watching the finch at the new thistle feeder I had hung out for them.  I like that they can perch on the branches of the dogwood I planted right in front of the deck by this feeder pole.









Finally, we had a beautiful day for riding, so we took advantage of it.  Deana and I rode up the power lines because Holly Trail was too muddy and we had been told it was okay to ride on the private property once again.

Seen in this (video), Sandy splashing in a little creek crossing.



We met up with Jan and Cash on Marmaduke and rode for almost two hours.






At one point, for about 20 minutes, Amiga became very animated while we were going down the trail.  She was stepping high and gaiting, all the while I was trying to bring her down and encourage her to walk.  She is cute, fun to ride, and looks pretty moving like this, but she got all lathered up with sweat and I didn't want her working so hard.  (I think she was showing off for Cash LOL).

I like this photo, catching the sun's rays.  The air temp was in the low 50's so the warm sun felt good.




Joe was home from Indiana and working in the yard when I got home, but I was too short on time to help him.  He was almost done with leaf removal from all the grass.  The cats were in their same spots, but different positions.

After getting cleaned up and dressed up, we picked Karen up on our way to the visitation for Bob's family.  It wasn't as emotional as I had expected, but I did make a point to avert my eyes from the open casket.  Jean was doing well.

We only had one Survivor show to watch this week and then I went to bed early, just tired emotionally.

Fallen Firefighter Tribute to Bob Citkovic.

Bob's funeral was at the Catholic Church at 10:00.  Shirley picked me up 30 minutes early because we knew the church would be packed, which is was.  Bob had served in the military, had been the fire chief in FFG (and New York), had been president on the FFG board, and was involved in many other organizations.  There were many nice tributes to him from the fire department, military, family, and friends.  I used up all my Kleenex and had to bum some off others.  I just can't help that I cry so easily.  There was a nice lunch served after mass.














How come crying is so physically draining?  Maybe it's because of all the water loss, lol, or because my weeping eyes felt so tired and sore.  I came home to cuddly pets and a napping husband, so just quietly sat here, sipped on some hot tea, and reflected on the week as I just about finished up this blog.

I went to the gym and did a weight and elliptical workout.  Every time I have gone, for the past few months, I hop on the scale near the water fountain when I go to get a drink.  My weight never varies more than a pound, and really, I don't worry about it unless my jeans start to feel tight.  But today my weight was nearly two pounds over the average.  Shoot, less sweets more exercise... darn Halloween candy.

It was another poker night for Joe and a quiet evening at home for me.  I was glad to have celebration of life and funeral ceremonies over with, but cognizant of Veterans Day the following day, and the importance of remembering and honoring all of our vets.