Don't Borrow Trouble

Joe's Dad (Herman) used to say "Don't borrow trouble."
The past few weeks I have found myself repeating this old saying as I try not to dwell on possible health issues.  Don’t borrow trouble is an idiom that means don’t worry about anything needlessly before it is time to worry about it, or before one has sufficient cause for the worry.  It is an abbreviation of a longer phrase, 'Don’t borrow tomorrow’s troubles.'  The idea is that worrying does not solve anything, and we often worry about things that never happen, so it wastes time and energy and distracts us from things that should command our attention today.

When we worry about tomorrow, we can never really appreciate the fullness of the day, because our minds are preoccupied.  Matthew 6:34 says:  “Therefore never worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  God wants us to be present in the here and now, knowing that He will take care of our future.  It is important that we trust God every day, for each day He gives us new mercies.
'Don’t borrow trouble' admonishes us to not borrow trouble from tomorrow to deal with today.  After all, tomorrow’s trouble may never come.  Grammarist
The reason for my worries was two fold.  My June 12 colonoscopy revealed a mass growing inside, where my small intestines joins my large intestines.  It is rather large, causing partial obstruction, and must be removed before it might totally block the passageway. 

I was told I had to have surgery (sooner than later) to remove a whole section of my colon that contains the mass.  A biopsy was taken of the growth and the results of that will determine how much of my colon needs to be removed and what follow up treatment will take place.  I was told to wait seven business days for the results.  Well, by Friday morning last week, after calling the afternoon before, and again that morning, I spoke with my doctor's nurse.  I was told she couldn't give me the results over the phone.  Dr Collins wants me to go in to discuss the game plan.  So I have an appointment with her Tuesday afternoon.

And if surgery (and the possibility of cancer) wasn't worrisome enough, now that I know what is inside me, I have become ultra aware of any intestinal problems, pains, gas, bloating, etc. that have been occurring.  Before, I ignored a lot of my gut issues, but now it seems my gut pain has increased and become more persistent.  I feel like the colonoscopy prep set it off and wonder if the biopsy aggravated the mass, that or is it because of the angst I have been feeling?  Hopefully the partial blockage isn't getting worse, which ultimately could lead to emergency surgery. 







I struggled with who and how much I should tell people while waiting on and then once I got the results.

I know a lot of people want and like to keep their health issues private, and I respect that.  No one wants to hear another's woes.  However, I am a firm believer in prayer.  I have seen it work miracles, including, but not limited to the healing process.  So I planned to tell family and friends my health issue once I knew more details.  I appreciate all prayers and positive thoughts.  In an on-line article, Dr. McClain says another reason to tell loved ones is that “Some people will feel unappreciated if you don't tell them, and you're limiting the support you'll get during an important emotional time.”  Knowing about a loved one's condition, and helping, may make others feel better, too. “Your family (and friends) benefits by being able to help you,” he says.

I struggled with the balance between unnecessary worry vs preparing for bad news.  Reading on-line, I got some ideas on ways to reduce anxiety while waiting for test results:
Don’t assume the worst.  I have tried.
Limit how much you look up online.  I did.
Keep busy - I continue to do that!
Write what you feel - That's why I blog.
Focus on your inner strength, so even if a fear does come true, you will be able to handle it.
Linked-in advises: think of the worst case scenarios that could disrupt various aspects of your life and ask yourself how prepared are you to face them?  If you are not well prepared, are there any steps, conversations, or decisions you need to make to be more empowered should they occur?
 

Saturday 6/22 - After feeding the horses hay at 8am, I collected Amiga, let the boys out on the pasture and then went for a little ride (video).

Once back, I did the mucking and a few other little jobs. 









I feel bad that our two Pasos still have to wear grazing muzzles, especially in this heat. 






Amiga and Zorro actually hung out in the shed for awhile before joining Banner and Cowboy out in the pasture.  I don't think they realized the gate was open. 





Up at the house, I worked at doing more cleanup from the party, took care of the chickens, and then, because the hammock looked so inviting, I laid down on it.  Over an hour later I woke from a nap.  I was slow to get moving and decided I was out of time to go to the gym which closes at 4 PM on Sat.  So I headed back down to the barnyard area and did weed whacking, tree trimming, weed pulling, and moved some hay.

By the time I got home, there wasn’t much left of my afternoon.  When Joe got home from a pro golf tournament he was watching in Nashville, we watched the last two episodes of the last season of Suits.  I will miss it as entertainment.

Sunday 6/23 - The only photos I took today were these of my late afternoon deer family visitors. 











I met Shirley at church and she shared some quotes she has saved.  This one fits with this week's theme: 'Don’t let the future destroy the present.'  I got a little teary-eyed a couple times while talking, and then when singing some of the songs.  My emotions are a little tender, thinking about the implications of this colon tumor.

I did some household chores and then headed to work at the pool.  It wasn’t blazing hot, but warm enough that I was uncomfortable.  I wonder why I seem to be more sensitive to these extra warm temperatures. 

My shift went a little longer than usual because late afternoon we lost power which put me behind on some pre-closing tasks and getting the computer POS closed.
Here is another good quote Shirley (who is going through cancer treatment) shared:  'He who suffers before it is necessary, suffers more than is necessary.'

Monday 6/24 - I had not taken a sleep aid (which I have done several nights recently) thinking I should take a break from them and see how I did.  Well, I couldn't get back to sleep, waking at 2am.  So I got up and completed this blog 'intro' I had started the morning before.  I tried taking a nap before sun-up, but it didn't really work. 












I headed to the ranch at 5:30 and gave the horses hay.  Notice the moon in the first photo and little Wanda in the background between the two horses.  She follows all of us ladies around.
 

I was up at the house by 6am and opened the chicken coop and gave the girls some oats.  The automatic door opens and closes with the light, but we open the big door during the day to help keep the coop cool and aired out in the summer. 








I like this photo, showing the sun's rays hitting the shed, field, and yard as it rises.  And the mountain range in the background can be seen above the tree line.

I had my second cup of tea, read, and took a little one hour nap up in the ranch house. 






I was back down at the barn by 8:30.  I brought the two Pasos into the barn and opened the gate for Cowboy and Banner.  I got Zorro's new muzzle adjusted and did hoof care on Amiga. 




When I turned Zorro back out, I noticed a snapping turtle making it's way to the pond.  Zorro walked right by it, not paying it any attention.  And 'everybody' headed on their way (video).

Once home, I had eggs and cheese for a third breakfast, to give me energy for the gym.  And then while digesting, I read on the lounge chair out on the deck, until I got too hot. 






I came in, took another hour nap and then went to the gym.  As usual, it was slow going, but then once I got my blood flowing, I had a good arm and ab workout.

I had to keep moving to get to Mirror Lake Blast on time.  It was California Dreaming and a good time.  Clete giving the hula hoop a go while Micki watches. 





The first set started a tad slow but soon picked up steam with good dancing music, and I got an okay leg workout accomplished out on the dance floor, and even better aerobic exercise.  The yellow circle in the photo is around the beach ball in flight, that we dancers had going during most of the whole second set.

Tuesday 6/25 - Today was to be the moment of truth, to find out what I was dealing with and what the game plan was.  I had taken a sleep aid, so got a full, much needed eight hours.

Stevie 'lovin' on Maggie with tender kisses (bites) and lots of rubbing on her. 






And sweet Maggie just accepts the inevitable (un-predictable behavior) from all her cat friends. 

I was supposed to work the morning shift, but had news the night before that the pool would be closed.  This gave me time for a slow morning for a change.  So I took it easy, catching up with this blog and organizing questions I had for my doctor in preparation for a possible cancer diagnosis.
 

Stevie wanting to play while out on the back porch on her favorite perch. 

Mid-morning I headed out into the yard to busy myself and get some much needed work done out there.  Again I struggled with the heat and a low energy level, but just slowly plugged away and made some progress.





I showered but put on workout clothes and then headed to my doctor's office right by the gym.  In my anxiety, I realized I had left way too early, so I stopped at Robin Hood Park to see the progress on the Veterans and First Responders Memorial.  Nature soothed my soul.
 

My doctor was running way behind and I was still quite early, so I worked on filling out this l-o-n-g survey I got in the mail yesterday.  I had entered this study fifteen years ago and filled out surveys when they came.  I pitched the survey I got a few years ago, not wanting to take time for it.  It is funny how the timing of things can seem peculiar, but for a purpose.  So I decided to cooperate and answer all the questions.

Well, the news (I have colon cancer) wasn't shocking, but it was disheartening and quite a bummer.  Plus, as it turned out, most of my questions needed to be for the oncologist and would have to wait until after further testing.  So again I need to wait, and not worry.  Easier said than done.  However, because my path report had been completed on the 14th and most likely got lost in the shuffle at my busy doctor's office, (I didn't get results until the 25th and that was after calling and bugging my Dr.) I am definitely going to be more pro-active... even if that means being a pain in the butt.

I had planned to go to the gym after my doctor visit, and even though it was much later than expected, I went to let off some steam (stress).  Focusing on leg weights and then aerobic work on the elliptical, I didn't quite finish all I wanted to do before the gym closed at 6pm.

Once home and having fed the critters and walked the dog, I then took care of some phone calls.  One was to Britney, who had wanted to talk to me.  It was so good to hear how well (yet busy) her life was going.  I hated to break bad news to her, but decided to go ahead and tell her, even though I didn't know the extent of the cancer, prognosis, or treatment plan.  She was so glad I did.  I still debated spilling the news before I knew any details.

Wednesday 6/26 - Even with a sleep aid, I was only able to get six hours of sleep.  I prayed different versions of this 'I don't know prayer.'  At some point during my tossing and turning, I decided to go ahead and tell extended family and friends my plight.  I figured not only is prayer much needed, but there might be someone with good advice on how to proceed and local friends with recommendations on surgeons and oncologists.  Plus, any encouraging and optimistic advice or reflections was needed.      
I got this from a cancer support web site which affirmed my decission:
Should I tell people about my cancer?
Talking about your situation can help people support you. Talking can also make you feel better, as though a weight has been lifted off you, even if nothing has changed. It may also help you to feel less alone.
 

Having decided to tell people what I was facing, much of the morning was spent communicating via e-mail, texting, and Facebook messenger with various family and friends. 

Busted.  Misses Doe caught me, through the window, taking her photo. 

I was soon getting many responses (well wishes, offers to help out, and prayers) from so many of you all.  It was so good to know I wasn't in this alone. 
 

My boss at the pool said I should plan (when needed) to take a 'leave of absence' for the rest of the summer.

I sat here so much longer than usual, that I had to slide my computer over out of the sun rays.  Stevie, who has also had gut issues with diarrhea and weight loss, was enjoying them though.  

I called Dr. Davidson's (the oncologist) office.  They received my referral and biopsy results.  He is out of the office until tomorrow afternoon, which is when I am supposed to call back.

Making decisions and acting on them was helping me feel a little more empowered. 

Swallows on the line when I was out feeding and doing ranch chores.  I hit Food City on the way home.  I had read up on colon cancer pre-surgery diet, so picked up some of the suggestions.  Mostly my diet is pretty good, but I am cutting out as much sugar and processed foods as possible and all alcohol (which isn't much).  Going into this as healthy as possible will benefit my outcome.

Thursday 6/27 - I got seven hours of sleep (with the help of an aid) and woke actually feeling really calm and at peace.  Prayers were already at work.  It was good to have shared my burden; the responses were so heart warming and encouraging, and I knew the prayers were helping.  It’s wonderful that good things can come from bad.  I have been hearing stories of other's struggles, their fears, and some of their crazy experiences dealing with health issues and it has brought me closer to them and helped me love them even more than I already did.  Laughter and compassion are great medicine and I am very thankful that some good has already come from this bad diagnosis.

When I opened one of the umbrellas, working at the pool, I exposed this little bat.  Just before starting this (video) it yawned.  So cute, but it needed to go elsewhere for the day.
 

I had the sweetest family of five at the pool today.  They were competing in little swimming contests, and just laughing and having a good time.  It was a reminder to me of my family and all the wonderful times we have vacationing together.  I just love it when people are having fun and getting along so well.

As soon as I got home from work, I called the oncologist's office and the earliest they could get me in to see Dr. Davidson is the afternoon of July 8th.  So now I wait some more.   


I hit the gym for a few hours and then fed the critters and myself.  To aid digestion, I went on a 45 minute walk with Maggie while wearing the weighted vest and we saw this young buck when returning home.

Joe and I listened to the debate.  I was shaking my head at both candidates.  Trump was definitely more articulate but neither could answer some questions and both were too focused on demeaning the other; name calling, finger pointing, smirking at, etc.  Honestly, I don't know what to think about this election, except we need younger, less self-centered candidates.

Friday 6/28 - I was at the ranch starting chores by 7am.  After throwing hay to the boys, I had a very nice ride on Amiga, keeping it slow and easy because she is still acting sore.  The day hadn't heated up yet, so it was quite comfortable out, except the deer flies were really bad in the woods. 

Amiga getting a look at the shop all cleared out (with about 20 bales of last year's hay on the little trailer) and ready for this years hay.

 



We wait for the hay man to come and cut and bale our fields.  It is getting kind of stemmy but I try not to worry about getting it harvested.  Less rich hay is probably better for our horses anyway.

Cowboy was in a lesson, so it was just these three going out to graze once I was finished with Amiga. 

I joined Joe out on the deck for some sunning, deciding to to take a break from the gym.  I called the oncologist's (Dr. Davidson) office, wanting to stay true to my intention to be more pro-active, and asked to be called if there was a cancellation.  The nurse assured me I already was at the top of the list because Dr.Davidson wanted to see me as soon as possible.  Like most, he is a very busy doctor.

I was back at the ranch by 1:30 to meet the horse chiropractor (Katie) who did some small adjustments on both Amiga and Zorro.  Mostly, they both just have issues because of old age, although Amiga's right shoulder and withers were out because she is compensating for her sore left leg.  Katie checked Amiga's leg, and all the bones and joints were fine.  She thinks it might be soft tissue navicular, since the x-rays had shown that the navicular bone was okay.  I then told her I was putting all horse 'things' on hold (because of my diagnosis) and a very open, heart warming conversation followed, leaving me a bit teary eyed. 







Once home and done eating and doing evening house chores, I got showered and then sat on the front porch waiting for Shirley.  This is a lovely location I rarely take the opportunity to appreciate. 



Shirley and I enjoyed the well performed play Steel Magnolias, and you can see from this photo how close our seats were to the stage.  I like the intimacy of the small theater.  I made it through the tear jerking end of the play, only using three Kleenex.

Britney had shared this 'verse of the day' from her work.  It is a great one for me to embrace.
Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”